Have you ever had an abortion or shared a baby with someone that you forced to have an abortion and you are struggling to shift guilt and sorrow? Or do you know someone who has had an abortion and has never quite healed from it? Or are you pregnant and contemplating an abortion? Please continue to read, this may be for you. (Disclaimer: to those that have had miscarriages and/or desiring to have children and yet to conceive, this post is in no way intended to be insensitive and I pray that you use wisdom before reading.)
Rewind time, to roughly a decade ago when I was a lot younger and a lot more naive. I was in university, in a relationship and got pregnant. The irony is, I had no idea I was pregnant until a close friend at the time insisted for me to take a pregnancy test due to a few missed periods. As I often suffered with very irregular periods, the possibility of pregnancy didn’t occur to me. In fact, it seemed like banter at the time adventuring into my local Sainsbury’s in my night clothes, making feeble attempts at concealing my purchase while exchanging laughs with my friend. However, my laughter soon ceased when my pregnancy test showed up as positive. Shock engulfed me but the gravity of the situation did not resonate with me until the following day sitting alone at my local health clinic. I recall a nurse touching various parts of my belly and making unhelpful comments like 'Oh you are at least 3 months pregnant, Oh wow'.
A multitude of thoughts swept over me. I asked myself questions such as, ‘What have I done?’ ‘How could I be so silly?’ What about my education? In the midst of this, one thing I was certain of, this baby had to go. In the eyes of others, I believed I would have been considered a failure, another statistic and a let down. At the time I did not realize that these thoughts were just lies straight from the enemy and though I considered myself a ‘Christian’ I didn't really care what the Bible had to say about my choice. It was with further shock and disbelief when I came to learn a few days later that I was over 18 weeks pregnant. A whole 4 and a half months pregnant and I never knew. It was ludicrous to me. How was I so out of touch with my body that I was harbouring a baby all of these months and yet had no idea? I mean my stomach was not big, at least not in my eyes. I was at my ultrasound listening to this heart beat and watching movement on the scan. It was surreal. I was in for a surprise for the whirlwind of emotions waiting to welcome me.
Fast forward to the day of abortion. There I was sitting in this room filled with other women as we all anticipated our turn in horror. As the nurse handed me a pill, she added 'you will throw up the babies placenta after swallowing this pill’ and proceeded to make me feel worse by making comments like 'you are really far along, in fact you are the furthest along out of everyone else in this room.' I then had to sit and wait while throwing up this yellow substance and shaking uncontrollably. It was then my turn to be wheeled into the 'operating room' and they gave me an injection to put me to sleep. All I remember is waking up and all hell breaking loose. I started off screaming and I was yelling out that I wanted my baby back. The flood of emotions that were flowing, felt like someone stole something from me. My body was in disarray and confusion, especially in the coming days as my breasts were leaking milk and yet there was no baby.
Condemnation entered the innermost parts of me and it didn't depart from me until years later. Life skipped on quickly for those around me but a pain I can’t describe firmly gripped me tight and refused to let me go. Guilt and regret became my acquaintances and discomfort loomed whenever I was around babies. I internally beat myself up, I felt like the worst person in the world, killing a life just so that I could live my 'best' life. I was then swamped with blame, thinking that ‘if this was different’ or ‘he was that’, perhaps I would have never aborted my baby. The reality is, it was all self inflicted and there was no one to blame but myself. I was selfish, silly and living a life in sin. Life will always be filled with ‘shoulda woulda couldas’ and ‘what if’s’ and though we can not change the past, we can learn from it and make peace with it. I can say this because I am free from guilt, shame, condemnation and regret. I now take joy in knowing that my baby is dancing in heaven and I will meet him or her one day. I am a living testimony of what it is to walk in total freedom and the same God that has set me free, can set you free too.
Why would I be comfortable to share something like this? The short answer to that is; I am tired of the silence. I am tired that there is so much noise when it comes to judging others. I am tired that there is so much noise when it comes to stating how wrong ‘this is’ or ‘that is’ (insert any sin or mistake) and yet that same energy is missing when more people need to hear; ‘this is how you overcome’ ‘you are still valued & loved’ and ‘you are NOT your mistakes.’ It is tiring and sad when the emphasis is on the former when the latter is of such a greater significance. I know what it is like to be in the midst of my mistakes and believe an array of negative thoughts and I desire anyone reading that feels anything similar, to receive healing and freedom.
Additionally, many of us feel too ashamed to own our shortcomings for a plethora of reasons, a common one being the fear of being judged. Did you know that the plan of the enemy is to make you feel isolated and different so that you stay in silence and never become free? I desire for more people to say ‘hey I have been there’ or ‘I may not have experienced that but I have experienced x y or z that made me feel similar.’ The scripture in Romans 3:23 states ‘all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.’ Key word here is ‘ALL’ All being all. Each and every one of us, Christian or not has made mistakes they are not proud of. Each and every one of us has a past and many of us carry burdens into our present and future without knowing how to heal and how to become whole.
I count it joy to share my experience in the hope that someone will forgive themselves and move on with their lives. I count it joy that perhaps someone will have the courage to keep their baby when I was too cowardice to do so. I read a really thought provoking yet timely statement on social media recently, it said something along the lines of ‘Hurt people hurt people but not enough emphasis is on ‘healed people heal people’. Once we have healed, we are doing a disservice not using that healing to provide healing to others.
So how did I overcome? In a nutshell, I forgave myself and I also forgave those that I believed failed me at the time. There is no mistake too bad that can rob you from forgiveness and the key is to not let anyone or anything make you think otherwise. When we normally think of forgiveness, often we automatically think of it in relation to forgiving other people and we can easily neglect the importance and need for forgiving ourselves. Forgiving ourselves is just as important as forgiving others. Forgive yourself for not knowing better. Forgive yourself for knowing better but not having the courage to do the right thing anyway. I also had to readjust my perspective and stop categorizing sin and realize that as long as a person truly repents, God forgives all sins. I never once realized that I was a murderer because from the world’s perspective, we are taught that 'it's only a fetus’. The truth is, abortion at any stage is murder in God’s eyes but the good news is he is merciful, as long as we confess our mistakes to him, he will faithfully forgive us. People may rank sins/mistakes according to their own perspectives but thankfully God sees it all the same. You could never be too messy for redemption. I urge you to ask God for forgiveness and forgive yourself. He loves you so much. You are not disqualified. You are more than a conqueror. You are important. You have a purpose.
To those that are pregnant and contemplating abortion for whatever reason, I empathize and I understand. There is a strong chance however that you will live your life with regrets, even if not immediately. I do not want you to feel the way I did and nowhere near close. Condemnation and shame are not easy enemies to contend with. Please search the scriptures on what God's word and truth says. He has a plan for you and a plan for your baby, regardless of how your baby got here. Your baby is not just a ‘fetus’, even if you are only a couple of weeks pregnant. Your baby has a soul and a spirit and is placed in you for a reason much bigger than yourself. I encourage you not to kill a life, that precious life placed inside of you. God will help you to raise that child even if you feel like you are alone. Even if there is no dad around. Even if it seems like an impossible situation. Please connect with some counsellors or people from your local church/community to help you through the process if you have no one else to talk to. Feel free to email me if you want to. I'm happy to pray for you and with you.
Jesus loves you!
Romans 8: 35-39 ‘For I am convinced (and continue to be convinced—beyond any doubt) that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present and threatening, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the (unlimited) love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.’
Love & blessings.
By T