In other words, is there life after loss? Is there such thing as regaining happiness and peace after your heart has been intricately broken from the death of a loved one? Is there a good quality of life on the other side of grief?
My answer is YES to each question presented here. I believe that it is indeed possible- though it can seem impossible when you are buried in grief and blinded by despair.
In this blog, I will share snippets of my own experiences and perspectives after losing my brother so suddenly and so catastrophically. I will walk you through a summary of the events that took place, how I navigated the lowest season of my life and the beauty that was extracted from the pain.
My hope is that if you have ever experienced loss, that you will draw hope from my experiences and live again.
Rewind time to Wednesday the 10th of February 2016. I was driving home on the motorway that evening to then be met with a call from my sister that introduced a new trajectory for my life.
As I was driving, she didn’t want to endanger me by telling me the news until I got home. Yet her crying, sighing and irregular breathing panicked me, so I
insisted that she told me.
‘Anthony’s dead’, she finally shared.
Shock and disbelief consumed me at first but the more I digested the news; my heart began shattering.
As the hours slowly strung by and more information was unfolding, it became clear that my brother was not only gone but he was murdered. As the days went on, the discovery of the finer details related to his murder made me numb.
The details are too graphic to share and in respect to my family, I will not share it all. To put it lightly, the details were something out of a horror movie, something that prior to this happening, I would have thought only happened on the TV. That mentality became a wakeup call for me, to not assume that anything was ever beyond happening to me.
Nothing can prepare you for the whirlwind of emotions that comes to bombard you after discovering something as horrific as that. I had never known a pain like it prior and I don’t think there are enough words to accurately depict the pain and devastation that his death brought to our lives. The days and weeks that followed were a blur.
Disbelief, shock, anguish and agony- these emotions were on rotation for a while.
There were times I felt sick. My tears didn’t flow as frequently as others but when it did, it was accompanied with an intense anguish from the innermost parts of me. I kept replaying images of him laying there suffering from all those gun shot wounds and it haunted me.
I felt powerless. I watched my already problematic family be torn to pieces. I
watched the anguish in my mother’s face, and it broke my heart more knowing that there were no words or actions I could perform to change it. I had cried till I had no tears left to cry.
I felt regret. I reviewed the years and thought about the effort I could have made to visit him or call him more. ‘Shoulda woulda coulda’s infringed on me. I
was consoled by the conversation I had with him a week prior as we shared warm words expressing how much we loved and missed each other, and this helped the regrets to disappear.
I felt somewhat resentful that I couldn’t grieve the way I wanted to as I had a son that depended on me. My son forced me to continue, to smile, to interact, to cook and to see the purpose beyond my pain. In hindsight, I am grateful that his existence warned off the prospect of spiralling into a deep depression.
What is written next may be illogical to some but though my heart was heavy and broken, I equally had an underlying surge of peace through it all. It was a very perplexing experience.
How is it possible for two completely opposite realities to coincide?
My faith in God made it possible. I knew the Lord was with me and my family. I knew that like God’s word says in Romans 8:28, ‘all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.’
I knew that although it may seem impossible to envision healing and restoration in my family, I knew that in fact it was the start of a long process to bring exactly that. Additionally, I had this reassuring, inexplainable feeling that my brother was in heaven. I had this hope and continue to hope that in his last moments he made it right with God.
In reading this you may wonder,
‘What about if he didn’t make it right with God? Would you never be able to find
peace?’
My answer to that can be broken down in two ways.
Firstly. Salvation is personal. No one can vouch for anyone’s final moments. Someone you may deem to be the worst person ever, could have made it right with God in their final moments. We will never know the answers to such things in this life, unless you receive a personal revelation about this from God, otherwise, all we can ever do is hope.
Having hope is imperative and in fact I believe part of healing is in the hoping for the best outcome. It is not advisable to life live pondering ‘What if’ as
it paralyzes you with regrets and fear.
Secondly and more importantly, I believe me having peace was resulted in me having a personal relationship with God that I had cultivated over the years. It is not enough to be ‘religious’ by attending church and following commandments-though these things are vital.
Growing in intimacy with God means that you build a solid foundation in him so that you do not cave in from life’s unexpected experiences and that no matter what comes your way in life, you find solace in him.
The only thing certain in life are death and taxes, as my dad would always jokingly yet seriously state. No one knows the timing of our departure and that’s why living life with eternity in mind helps to keep things into the right perspective. The passing of my brother drew me closer to God, not further away.
Just because we may not understand the ‘why’- doesn’t mean God in all his wisdom and power, doesn’t know ‘best’. During despair, loss, pain or the like, it
is natural to ask God to provide us with an answer. However, we must remember he does not owe any of us an explanation. God’s ways and thinking are higher than our own and sometimes that is the only knowledge that I am given to rest in.
In the last few years, my life experiences have humbled me in different ways and the death of my brother, humbled me even more. My perspectives overall changed. It allowed me to view things in its rightful place. My brother was young. He acquired some luxurious material things and he had money. He was always the cool one with the latest technology and gadgets. Yet glancing at him in his coffin, the only thing that was going down in the grave with him was a bible and a teddy from his son that passed away years before.
Death is final!
The car you drive, the title you may acquire or your popularity will mean nothing, instead when that day comes, what will resonate is the way you treated people, how you helped people that could offer you nothing in return and what you did with what you were given and other priceless things such as these.
It is this that helps to keep me grounded. His death taught me not to cling to anything too tightly. That no matter what or who I love, Jesus needs to always take centre stage.
Life is but a vapour and in just a moment we leave everything behind.
As the book of James 4:14 states ‘What do you know about tomorrow? How can you be so sure about your life? It is nothing more than mist that appears for only a little while before it disappears.’
Make your life count. Leave behind something that will impact generations after you.
There is nothing wrong in having lots of money, but the real question is, are you using your money to help others?
Since his death I have become a greater giver. For a portion of that time I was not working but with the little I had, I still paid tithes and offerings and
additionally, I was still determined to bless others. This provided me with more
satisfaction than receiving ever could.
Whenever I receive money as a gift or when I get paid from work, I ensure to ask God who I can bless. I say this not to boast but instead to show that negative experiences can still produce the best in us.
Life will undeniably come with tests and turmoil that can very easily bitter us but we have a choice to use all that pain as fuel to make us better. Giving is not just financial, giving is sharing with others whatever you have been blessed with, this may be your time, your encouragement, your money, your food etc.
In general, ask yourself,
‘What is the legacy I want to leave behind?’
I used to dread being at a graveyard. Since his passing, I find visiting my brother a chance to reflect and I find it strangely peaceful and quiet. I use it as a time to analyse my life and question whether I am being pleasing in the sight of God. This is not about being perfect or never falling short. I don’t have
life all figured out and at times I still wrestle with God but what I can
confidently say is that though I am not yet where I desire to be, I am not
where I used to be and for this I am grateful.
If my brother had not died, perhaps I would not have been transformed into who I am today. Maybe I would have, but maybe it would have taken me longer. One thing I do know is that God is with me and my family. Once upon a time I didn’t think I would see a genuine smile on my mother’s face again, but she is smiling and we laugh together and even pray together. There are still things we are believing in God for in our family, but we cling to God trusting that everything he said that will come to pass, will. In fact, in the lowest point of her grief she was still thanking God and expressing gratitude that my brother’s body was found and brought to the UK safely.
She found reasons to be grateful even though her heart was broken. Many people would curse God and blame him. Yet amongst her tears, she still thanked God and praised him.
Her faith inspires me. I hope it inspires you too!
Another question that you may be thinking is,
‘How do you feel about the people that killed him’?
I have a combination of thoughts. I want justice to be served and it confused
me when 1 of his killers was sentenced to only 8 years in prison but ultimately,
I want God’s will to be done.
The truth about any matter such as this is that,
Hate will never remove hate.
Furthermore, what good would come from me hating them? His killers were his ‘friends’ driven by jealously. More specifically, they were puppets on the string of the enemy. A person that is whole and a person consumed with love would not have the drive or desire to kill another person.
I wonder, what would the outcome had been if they had known their purpose in life? If they truly knew the love and power of God, they would have never endeavoured to end life of my brother.
My desire is that we all make it in heaven, I hope to see everyone there, people that have wronged me and that includes his killers.
This may be astounding and unbelievable to you but if we stoop to the level in which we despise, it is important to realise that we too become the very thing we despise. Once again, it is all about perspective.
What is justice?
Do you seek justice in the eyes of the law, justice in your eyes or justice in the eyes of God?
Because for me, whether they spend their life behind bars or on the run and/or in hiding, their lives will never be at peace unless they truly repent. They could be sorrowful and remorseful getting on with their life or they could spend a
lifetime in prison and have no regrets at all.
So my prayer is simply, ‘Lord let your will be done’.
A life without the presence of peace is not life at all, it is death. When it is all
said and done, the real enemy has always been the devil, not people.
Each of us, without exception have been used by him to harm other people. Be it lying, cheating, murdering- small scale or big, none of us are innocent. I don’t deny that there are many wicked people out there, the bible itself speaks about this, but our only job is to pray for their salvation.
‘Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the scriptures say, ‘I will take revenge; I will pay them back,’ says the Lord.’
Romans 12:19
Does this mean it is easy? Does this mean you never feel pain? No, not at all! Though we are spirit beings, we are in a human body and therefore our emotions are still present and very much real. I miss my brother, I still shed a tear on occasion. Some days are easier than others. Some movies are a trigger for me and there are memories that I prefer not to reflect on as it brings me discomfort. This is all natural.
Yet the good news is, God’s grace is sufficient for me and for the most part I am happy and at peace.
No death or circumstance in your life should equate to the death of you.
From you still have breath, there is still a purpose that God needs you to fulfil.
You can turn every negative experience into a positive one. You have a choice.
My prayer is that you encounter the unfailing love of God in your life, that his love will bring healing and wholesomeness to every broken part of your heart. My prayer is that you will discover the purpose you serve in this life and have the resilience to fulfil it. My prayer is that you will connect with people you can
trust to share and talk through your pain with. My prayer is that God will
surround you with his strength to continue.
My prayer is that you will not give up.
Love and blessings.
By T