I have named it ‘oxygen masks’ because as the name suggests, I believe that each of the 6 mentioned, contribute significantly to the health and success of a marriage.
The following are in no particular order:
1st- Master Forgiveness.
Being married does not mean that you divorce mistakes. You will make many mistakes and so will your spouse. Adopting a mentality that refuses to forgive, not only suggests that you do not need forgiveness but it fundamentally indicates that you are headed for a disaster. Forgiveness is like the air that you breathe, you need to forgive or else you will suffocate.
Be gracious with yourself and be gracious with your spouse.
Allow your spouse room to learn and grow.
For those that may be asking ‘well are there not limits to what you can forgive’? My only response to that is:
‘are there any limits to what God should forgive in you?’
It is very easy to fall victim to the opinion that there are limits on what you should forgive until you expect that same forgiveness for yourself.
Please do not mistake forgiveness for reconciliation. There may be exceptional circumstances that may warrant separation. To those that are struggling with forgiveness or struggling to decide whether reconciliation is an option, my advice is to seek counsel from trusted mentors/counsellors and indulge in much prayer.
Matthew 6:14-15 ‘For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.’
2nd- Have Sex; Correctly.
(This does not apply in exceptional circumstances such as having certain illnesses that prevents intimacy or when a couple have mutually consented to withholding sex for a period of time of prayer & fasting.)
So what do I mean by have sex correctly?
Firstly, once you are married, you give away your right to be selfish and that includes sexually. Your body belongs to your spouse and their body belongs to you.
1 Corinthians 7:4 ‘The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.’
Therefore, you should never use your body as a means of manipulation. Sex is not a gift that you give to your spouse when they make you happy and a gift that you retract when they make you sad. This is wrong and can cause many issues.
Regardless of anything (arguments, issues, challenges), still have sex.
It is your responsibility and obligation.
Secondly, as much sex as your spouse requires, is as much sex as you should endeavour to provide, you should also endeavour to learn and master your spouses sex language. You may have heard of there being love languages and I believe there are sex languages also.
Thirdly; and it entwines, comfortablility is great but that must never be a replacement for laziness. Marriage, if people are not careful, can make you become complacent and this is risky.
You want to ensure that you close as many doors to temptation as you possibly can.
1 Corinthians 7:5 ‘Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.’
Moreover, it is worth asking yourself:
What attracted your spouse to you before you got married? What are some of the things your spouse likes about you sexually as well as physically/mentally/emotionally?
Please continue or start to do those things!
Put the same energy (as you did prior to marriage, if not more), into appealing to their desires.
Create the right atmosphere before intimacy, so that when intimacy occurs you intensify the likelihood of euphoric experiences. Look physically attractive. Put on outfits they like. Wear your hair the way they adore. Be spontaneous. Get creative. Book romantic trips. Send flirty/fun text/picture messages. Give compliments, be attentive to their emotional needs, etc.
You may ask questions like; well what about what I want?
What about if we clash?
I have 3 responses to questions such as these:
Communicate. Compromise. Sacrifice.
Communicate with your spouse. Have open and honest conversations. Desires may change since your wedding day and therefore it is important to have dialogue about your likes, dislikes, wants and needs. It is normal to have disagreements and communication is the only way of knowing what these disagreements are.
When your spouse communicates; listen and adhere.
Compromise is vital. If they express ‘A’ to be an absolute need for them but you dislike ‘A’, you have to strongly consider compromising and putting your spouses needs before your own.
Be flexible in your thinking. Ideally, compromising should have reciprocal efforts coupled with an equal balance of ‘give and take.’
More importantly than that; sacrifice. As long as you are not disobeying the word of God and as long as you are not going against your own personal convictions, (in such cases respectfully state and stick to your boundaries) but otherwise, choose to remove limitations and pursue to gratify your spouse.
(These are key things I strongly advise couples discuss prior to marriage but it is possible that people change, hence why constant communication is a must.)
It is also worth noting that it is very possible to grow deeper in God, be prayerful and holy and still ‘throw it down’ in the bedroom.
Reject the idea that the two cannot coexist.
Reject the idea that growing in intimacy with God should ever mean declining in matrimonial fun and enjoyment. That is not scriptural nor is it God’s will for marriage.
God created sex. He wants you to enjoy it. If any of this sounds controversial to you, then I suggest you renew your mind and read the Songs of Solomon.
Proverbs 5:19 ‘A loving doe, a graceful deer — may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.’
3rd- Purposely Lose.
You may be right. You may want your way. You may be angry. You may be justified.
But you also just may lose your spouse. You may lose their trust. You may lose their respect. You may lose a part of them that could take many years to restore, all for the sake of what; winning an argument? For the sake of getting your own way?
Decide which you prefer.
The truth is, if you want a healthy marriage, it is your prerogative to provide peace and protect your home.
You do not need to accept the invitation to every battle or argument and you most certainly do not need to ‘win’ all of them. Some battles do not need to be fought physically, when that same energy could be reserved for fighting in your prayer room.
Identify the real enemy each time a situation/argument arises. I am not suggesting for you to ‘lose’ every argument or to ‘lose’ your will in every given situation, I am suggesting that you pick your battles wisely and decipher with discernment which matters need your expression and what matters need your stillness. Which matters need your seriousness and what matters need your humility.
Striking the right balance can strengthen your position for occasions when you need to ‘win’.
It may sound peculiar to purposely ‘lose’ or ‘win’ but there is an unspoken power in backing down, in saying sorry, in being slower to react, quicker to listen and in being meek.
A long lasting yet healthy marriage is dependent on your maturity to handle conflict without creating chaos.
Make a choice to purposely lose your pride, will, arguments, anger.
Proverbs 29:11 ‘A [shortsighted] fool always loses his temper and displays his anger, but a wise man [uses self-control and] holds it back.’
Proverbs 19:11 ‘Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.’
4th- Submission.
A lot of people struggle with this word and label it as ‘weakness’. Let me start by stating what submission is not. Submission is not oppression. Submission is not the leeway for suppression.
Submission is however, surrender and compliance. Submission is strength. Submission is selflessness. Submission is marriage.
It is only considered a weakness for a weak minded individual. That may seem unreceptive but the reality is, marriage done God’s way requires you to equip yourself with a brand new perspective to the one many have been conditioned to think or even what may be natural to think.
Ephesians 4:21-24 ‘Since, then, we do not have the excuse of ignorance, everything—and I do mean everything—connected with that old way of life has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it! And then take on an entirely new way of life—a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you.’
Wives and husbands need to submit; albeit differently. Women and men have different positions and roles and though the bible specifically mentions wives to submit to their husbands and husbands to God, the scripture also states that we submit to one another.
God is a God of order and if comprehended in the right context and applied correctly there is a fulfilment of scripture.
Marriage is a representation of God and the Church. God is the head of the church; husbands are the head of the wife. If you have any resistance on this, please study the bible for clarity and ask God to provide further revelation.
Ephesians 5:21 ‘And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.’
5th- Have Your Own.
Have your own happiness.
Though happiness is fleeting and inconsistent and though your spouse should aim to add to your happiness, you are ultimately the only one responsible for it. You cannot afford to authorize your happiness into the hands of anyone but yourself because when your spouse fails, which they will, you will be left feeling wretched and purposeless. This creates imbalance and that can be detrimental to your own wellbeing as well as to the wellbeing of your marriage.
Adjust your expectations and release the opinion that anyone can 'make you happy'.
You possess the liberty to choose to be happy irrespective of anything or anyone. Further and more importantly, I suggest you seek to have joy. God alone is your source of joy.
Psalms 121: 1-2 ‘I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.’
Have your own hobbies.
You are joined in matrimony by the rib but not by the hip.
It is healthy to have your own enjoyment and hobbies separate from your spouse. It is common for some married couples to lose their sense of self after saying ‘I do’. Why? Your life has expanded but it should not be terminated. Space is nourishing to your marriage. Space to breathe, space to play, space to reflect, space to pray, space to have quality time with yourself and the list is endless.
Ultimately it prevents you from losing yourself.
You allow yourself room to learn and grow as a person. There is still a purpose you need to fulfil. Your spouse has their own assignment and you have yours. It may intertwine and it may coincide but you are still an individual and it’s really important to not lose sight of your identity.
You will both need your independence in order to thrive and be wholesome people.
Have your own friends & family.
This may sound silly to mention. It may even sound obvious but it is common and easy to become so consumed in your ‘new life’ as responsibilities are always accumulating. Marriage is demanding and once children enter the picture, it can be even more challenging to ‘have your own’. Therefore, you have to make the choice to be intentional and place a priority on cultivating and sustaining friendships outside of your marriage.
Friendships should not end just because a marriage has started.
You will need your chosen family and friends and more than many realize. There is purpose in community. There is purpose in God-ordained friendships and family.
Psalms 18:24 ‘A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly; and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.’
So please, have your own!
Spouses are just human. They were not created to replace God.
God is your everything. Put things into the right perspective to avoid unnecessary disappointments and heartache.
Guard your heart at all times and be sober minded. When you have your own life, happiness, hobbies, family & friends etc. it elevates the weights and the unrealistic demands from the shoulders of your spouse.
They cannot be your ‘everything’ ‘every time’- it is impossible and can cause unnecessary strain on your marriage and that can have serious implications. It is imperative to build your own strong network and community inclusive of your marriage and exclusive from it also. This should not be mistaken for a ‘private life’- I am not encouraging secrecy, so please do not take this point out of context.
As a result, if administered with the right balance, ‘having your own’ can build trust, enhance intimacy, improve wellbeing, increase positivity and deepen the love within your marriage.
Proverbs 11:1 ‘A false balance is abomination to the Lord: but a just weight is his delight.’
6th- Mind Your Marital Business.
It is tempting, it is natural and it is common to vent and express to people you trust. When you have issues at work, with family or the like, you are conditioned to believe that you should open up and express yourself; either to just be heard or to receive advice and direction. One would think to apply the same rationale with marriage right?
No! Count the cost and be wise! Equip yourself with a different rationale.
Your marriage is sacred. A 3 strand chord between yourself, your spouse and God. It was never designed to have other scattered whispers, opinions and voices between the both of you.
Matthew 19:6 ‘So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.’
So what do you do when you need to talk about your marriage outside of your spouse?
Firstly, pray! Pray and ask God for direction. Ask him for peace. Ask him to order your steps in decision making and in who to confide in.
And then secondly and in that order, seek help and advice from trusted people/ marriage counsellors.
(Prior to marriage my advice for couples is to prioritize cultivating people they can be held accountable to. Preferably people that have been married for a lengthy period of time, ideally people you both trust so when you hit hard or indifferent seasons, they can help advise and/or pray for you.)
It is also worth keeping in mind that you should still guard your heart and use wisdom. People will always be people and we must not, even subconsciously view them as ‘gods’. God is the only one that knows all answers and you have to use your own discretion when implementing given advice.
Proverbs 10:8 ‘The wise in heart [are willing to learn so they] will accept and obey commands (instruction).
Other people, which can sometimes include friends and family can negatively impact marriages.
You will forgive your spouse, they may not. They may vent your business to other people that cannot be trusted. They may not have your best interests at heart. They may be secretly jealous. They may use your business against you at a later date. They may try to tarnish your reputation. They may think they have your best interest at heart but dislike your spouse. They may want the best for you both but advise you incorrectly.
When you are in your lowest of moments, opening up to the wrong people and/or at the wrong time can have a negative influence on your mental stability and your choices.
It can open the door to influences that can blur your sense of reason which could give a ‘foothold’ to the enemy. Also the sound of too many different voices can breed confusion and with confusion comes disorder and turmoil.
You may feel fine with opening up to others and I am not against that entirely but let that be a subsequent option rather than an initial one.
Let it be carefully thought out before you release information because once information is released, it can never be retracted.
Let feeling at peace be your determining factor of who you talk to and what you say.
Proverbs 10:14 ‘The wise don't tell everything they know, but the foolish talk too much and are ruined.’
Lastly, build community together with your spouse. Preferably and advisably a network of other married couples. Talk together, date together, exchange advice, tips and prayers together. ‘Iron sharpens iron’ and sometimes just being in the company of likeminded people on similar missions with similar visions can speak volumes and provide answers to your marital dilemmas directly as well as indirectly.
Thank you for reading.
I pray marriages are blessed. I pray those courting/engaged or single with intentions to marry are blessed also.
It takes a range of ingredients to make an exquisite cake, in like manner, as initially stated; it takes many different things to make a great marriage, currently these are only the 6 that have been laid on my heart to express.
Though this is written from a Christian perspective, I believe the same principles can apply for any marriage and I strongly believe, from my own personal experiences so far coupled with the knowledge I have gained from the experiences of others around me, these 6; if dispensed and mastered create a space for a prosperous and nurturing marriage.
Conclusively, remember that ultimately;
love conquers all.
Love & blessings.
By T